Dan Vs The League of Evil Exes
by Turkehdur
Summary: Dan gets a threatening message to Gideon Gordon Graves. How will he strike back? Probably not going to continue, just wrote this out of a weird feeling I had and because it seemed interesting. K  for injury and language.


DAN VS.

Dan, as he did every day, woke up with a look of anger on his face. He hated nearly everything and everyone. His only comfort in this world was his best friend, Chris, and his pet cat, Mr. Mumbles. He got out of bed, got dressed, and put his favorite "JERK" shirt on.

"Good morning, Mr. Mumbles." Dan greeted his cat. Of course, it couldn't actually respond, but again, it gives him comfort. "Oh, I just remembered. I've got to go ask Chris if he's available today. I've got to get my vengeance on tissues. Stupid things always burn your nose when you use them; it's as if they're trying to make your cold even MORE miserable."

Dan walked outside, and, as expected by a normal, albeit slightly strange person, went to go for a ride in his car.

However, it seemed this wasn't going to be the case today.

"MY CAR!" he screamed. His car seems to be a target for universal hate. Ruined by artists, scratched by wolf-men, defaced by baseball fans. But today, it seemed like an entire group of colorful characters were beating on his car for no particular reason.

"Hey, you hooligans!" Dan stated. "Back off of my car! I'll have you know that even if it doesn't have brakes, it is STILL a vehicle!"

"GREETINGS, MR…Dan. Gideon didn't give me your last name." replied a…Indian pirate? "We are here to send a message issued by the League of Evil Exes."

"What? What the heck is the 'League of Evil Exes'? "

A black, spiky haired man holding a skateboard explained to Dan. "We're an organization here to eliminate all of Ramona Flowers' love interests…or get them to join our "worthy cause". And you, my friend, may or may not be our next member of said "worthy cause"."

"…what?" Dan replied, still not understanding it. "Look, if you people don't start making sense within 30 seconds, I'm going to have to throw you off my property."

A blonde haired man, with a slight bit of energy coming from his eyes, taunted Dan with "Pfft. You? Beat US? I really doubt that. Hope you've got a cleaning lady, cause you'll be du-" "Todd. For the last time. That joke's not FUNNY." Replied a blonde-haired pig-tailed woman with entirely black clothing on.

"I'll have you all know, I'm a master of the art of dance battling. I could take you all on without even breaking anything!" threatened Dan, becoming increasingly enraged by the arrogance of the group. "Interesting." replied an Asian man. "Show us your true strength, then." Replied another Asian man, seemingly the other's twin.

"Alright. I gave you a warning. But you all didn't listen. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE DON'T LISTEN! But, I guess I have no choice but to hinder your little league right here. DAAAAANCE BAAATLLLLLLLE!"

Dan prepared for battle, but before leaping at the group, swayed back and forth, and stated "SHIMMY SHIMMY SHIMMY." He rushed at the Indian pirate.

Well, to keep it short, the battle doesn't go well. To make it long?

"If you're going to duel us, just know that you can't school us!" sang the pirate. "Demon Hipster Chicks! Show this guy why he's a total dick!"

The two demon hipster chicks grab our hero, Dan, and restraint him to the ground. "What is this? Get your succubus's off of me! I will NOT fall for their temptations!" Dan stated, trying to get the Indian to lose hope. "Don't make me leave your corpse to rot! My demon hipster chicks are REALLY REALLY HOT!" he sang again before throwing a fireball at Dan.

As with all burning objects, this sets Dan on fire. "ARRGH! MR. MUMBLES, THROW ME THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER!" he yells to his cat while stopping, dropping and rolling like no one ever could before. The cat was still in Dan's morbid motel room, not even aware of his agony. It meowed and licked itself on the arm.

"Gonna beat you so bad, your very blood's gonna run! Lucas Lee, show this idiot how it's really, truly done!" The black haired man, who can now be identified as "Lucas Lee", got up, discarding a cigarette.

"Kiss Ramona's sweet ass goodbye, Dan." he stated to the angered little man, still trying to discard the flames, but managing to get up. "Who the heck is RamonAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" he yelled midway through a sentence before being punched into the air. "Todd, it's vegan time. Use your magic."

Todd grabs Dan, holding him in the air, which he was already in, within some sort of strange, psychic choke force. "Give up, loser!" he yells to the helpless victim, before slamming him into the ground.

It seemed like the fight was over. Oh, no. Dan managed to get up, and yells triumphantly "HAH! Your body-slamming psychic abilities just jolted energy into my body! NOW you will truly face the wrath of the dance bat-"Oh boy, here we go again.

The blonde-haired woman cut Dan's skin, leaving a mark on his ribs. Dan, shocked by the blow, falls to the ground. "DAMN, Roxy." Stated Lucas. "I really thought we were screwed there. Nice job."

"I appreciate the compliment, but let's wrap this up. Katayanagi Twins? Finish em'."

"With pleasure." Replied the black haired Asian man. "Brother, how shall we defeat him?" he questioned the blonde haired man. "Follow my lead." They walked over to the beaten Dan.

TWIN CURBSTOMP!

"PAIN. I FEEL A LOT OF PAIN!" yelled Dan, who somehow can still function coherently, even after getting his butt handed to him around the block.

"One more thing, guy." Said Lucas. "Take this. It was fun, but we gotta go. We've got more important things to do that sit in a crappy apartment." Lucas hands him a notecard.

The Indian man disappears in a puff of fire, Lucas skates away, Todd simply teleported away, Roxy vanished in a puff of smoke, and those Katayanagi guys rode away in some sort of mech. Once they all left, Dan decided to read the note.

"Dear Dan,

It is with great, seething rage, that I announce that you are the next target of the League of Evil Exes. However, I cannot confirm as much. But all research seems to show that this is true. You have dated Ramona Flowers or are currently dating her. If you find this is a mistake, please contact me in my office at the Chaos Theatre in Toronto, Canada. If you are, either be killed by the exes I have sent to you or join our league.

No hard feelings,

Gideon Gordon Graves

P.S: If you happen to find a man named "Scott Pilgrim" during your visit to Toronto, Canada, please let me know."

"…HOW DARE HE! He sends his two-bit goons to ruff me up and RUIN my Saturday morning, and he has the very AUDACITY to ask me for a favor? I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS-"

Dan, suddenly, turned red. He, with the scowl that if you looked at would give you a heart attack, eyes that would pierce the soul and sheer emotion that would make Shakespeare blush in shame, yelled to the sky, with great force:

"LEAGUE OF EVIL EXXXXEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!"

DAN VS.

THE LEAGUE OF EVIL EXES


End file.
